It feels appropriate to write about another day as we roll into the new year, I may have spoken before about how every day is like the new year for me, every day is a new opportunity to start something new, to say what I didn’t say yesterday, to be better than I was before. Every day is also more difficult to get through, harder to adjust to and painful to justify, knowing what I’m doing to family and loved ones. I spend every second battling internally and trying not to scare the people around me with the moment to moment struggle but inevitably signs slip through the cracks and it becomes obvious to anyone watching that I’m not having an easy time of it. My irritation and short temper are easily the most frustrating parts for me right now because of how far from my character those traits are. I hate that my girls see me just being angry and tired all the time, I hate that I have nowhere to put my anger, even sitting here writing should feel good but I’m cursed with hiccups from hell that don’t go away and shake my whole body every couple seconds (I know its just the hiccups) but it takes all my strength to not throw my computer on the ground and put my head through the wall because of them. I’m sitting here just trying not to throw up with each shake of my body that the  hiccups cause because I’m so full but if my stomach gets too empty then I’m plagued with acid reflux which is no better than the hiccups. I can’t take a deep breath or even hold my breath to make them go away because my lungs won’t expand enough to hold enough air and I’ll just start coughing if I try but I don’t because I don’t want it to lead a coughing fit where I burst another blood vessel in my lung and end up spitting up blood again. Have I mentioned that the drug they would normally use to reduce swelling in the brain can’t be used right now because of that burst blood vessel in my lung? i honestly don’t know what’s worse at this point, the anxiety of waiting for side effects or the actual side effects. I already feel mouth sores on my tongue and if they’re anything like last time, I’ll be reduced to talking through text and a liquid diet for the foreseeable future. The soul crushing complexities of trying to explain how I feel to everyone who asks is driving me crazy, I want to say I’m feeling better, I feel like its working but I can’t…I’d be lying, every day since the new treatment, I’ve felt worse and worse and I don’t know if it will get better and neither do the doctors, all anyone can do is sit and wait for the next scan and its results. 

Between the lack of sleep, the haunting thoughts of my death, what comes after and what needs to be done now, I barely have time to think about putting one foot in front of the other. I thought this would be a more uplifting post but it doesn’t seem to be going that way. Don’t be mistaken, I’m happy to have made it one more day, to my birthday, to new years, to kiss my girls goodnight and have another sleep over with Rach. However none of that changes the unparalleled situation we’re in right now and have been in for the last two years. Another appointment today that was expected to be a routine check up turned into an MRI that only led to another MRI being booked asap. As I wrestled to let the doctor finish his report about potentially needing another craniotomy, I could see rach also biting her tongue and holding her questions until the end. After all was said, we left with just as few answers as we had entered with, drove home in almost complete silence and I laid down and tried to take my mind off of everything. However my body had a different idea as I started coughing uncontrollably again and spitting up more blood, at least this time I knew what It was from (probably just the scab breaking off) and that it was my fault for taking my meds when I should have, nonetheless, its never comforting to cough up blood. I’m trying to distract myself as much as I can, trying to eat and drink, trying not cough anymore and let the meds kick in before I fall asleep, trying anything and everything to explain how I feel before I can’t anymore. At least I’m typing at a semi normal speed now but I’m still so agitated with every little thing that I can only get a couple sentences out before I get annoyed and turn to something else. I’m so uncomfortable no matter how I sit or lay down and when I find a position that I’m not coughing or hiccuping in, I just try not to move for as long as I can. I don’t even know what this story has become now, when theres so much thats constantly unfolding and It takes me days to write this, I feel like it could just go on and on. I feel depressed and anxious, all the thoughts and feelings I had when I started chemo the first time are back with a vengeance it seems and it’s like I completely forgot how to address them. Maybe I took my moment of “normalcy“ for granted over the past few months and now I’m being reminded of what it feels like. Or maybe this is just cancer. I could go on and on about all the things running through my head but I don’t want to sound like a broken record, it has to stop somewhere. 

NEVER STOP LOVING AND ALWAYS,LIVE LIFE WITH PASSION.

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