I’m still here

It’s my birthday today and I’m still here but as I inch closer to that twelve month mark since my diagnosis, I get increasingly more anxious. Every little twinge or pain in my body acts as a reminder that my life hangs in the balance, poised precariously over a percolating pit of putrid pasta. I don’t know why I’m putting such emphasis on that length of time, its not like if I make it to a year and I’m still here then everything will go back to the way it was. it will just be another day and I’ll be even closer to my inevitable end. My oncologist had initially said twelve to fourteen months and I guess in my head if I make it to march and I’m still okay then that puts me ahead of the curve but thats just in my head, it doesn’t really make a difference. He had also told me that one of his patients had survived for seven years on the same drug I’m on now and I think about that all the time. Seven years, my daughters would be ten and eight, I’d have made it to forty! If I live that long but thats a big “if”. I imagine all I could accomplish in seven years, all the memories I’d get to make. theres still so much I want to do, so many plans I had for my life that will never get realized, I wanted to travel, to learn and grow with my family and friends. It’s more likely that this will be my last birthday, my final trip around the sun. I’m not trying to be pessimistic just realistic and I don’t want that to be misunderstood as me giving up or losing hope because that is not the case at all, I got hit with a super rare cancer and even though I wake up sometimes and feel like its not real because of how good I feel, it is real and its happening to me. But I am happy and I will die happy regardless of how sick I am and I think thats important to remember. Whether I live for seven or ten or one more year, I’ve lived a beautiful life and continue to do so every day. I’m so lucky to have loved and been loved by family and friends alike. I’m so lucky to have lived even if it is only for a short time because it was full of excitement and adventure. I think my dad was right when he used to say I had horseshoes up my ass because despite this tragic turn of events, I truly have been lucky in my life and I’m reminded of that every day when I wake up to my beautiful Rachel and our two girls. I wanted to keep this one short and not focus too much on anything other than the fact that I’m still here and how lucky I am to be here for one more day.

– for those of you that didn’t get the reference, its from Calvin and Hobbes, another comic that helped shape me in my early years.

I have a million pictures I could share from before my diagnosis but I honestly believe that some of my best moments have happened afterwards.

3 thoughts on “I’m still here

  1. phillrrr1 says:

    Happy Birthday…another milestone along the way. We’re saying our prayers for you and wishing you and your Family all the best.
    Danielle and Phil


  2. Heather Cape says:

    Wishing you a wonderful day on your birthday. Thank you for sharing your journey with honesty . You are clearly a special young man and likely always appreciated your beautiful wife and family this I am certain. May they carry you when the moments are too much to bare. You seem to be surrounded by deep love and the three women in your life are lucky to have a man of heart who expresses himself freely with raw truth , warmth and tenderness. May your connections to all that matter to you continue to be a blessing.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s