Too Fucking Weird

Overwhelmed, anxious and stressed are three things I am not used to feeling, but now seem to be the three things I can’t escape. I feel like I have a million things to do, a million things that I want to do and I’ll start with something and then feel guilty that I’m not doing one of the other things. The other day Riley and Sadie happened to be napping at the same time and I couldn’t figure out if I should go for a ride, workout, read, write, play some music or just sit and enjoy the quiet moment with Rach. I don’t know where I’m going with this at all. I guess I should have added “fucking scared” to that list at the beginning because that is the emotion that outweighs all the others and I can’t escape that feeling either, I can’t harness it, I can’t embrace it or use it in any way. I’m just scared and there’s nothing I can do about it. Every day I’m scared and I want it to go away more than anything. I miss being healthy and carefree. I miss my biggest problem being what I was gonna eat for breakfast that morning or if I watered the grass enough but there’s no going back to that now is there. I’m stuck here whether I like it or not. This is the last chapter of my life and it will be fraught with fear. No matter what im doing, there’s that little voice in my head that reminds me to be scared, there’s no such thing as a happy moment for me any more. The only times that voice is less loud are when I’m laughing with Riley or hugging Rachel but it’s still there no matter what. Every smile is closely followed by tears. That underlying fear is there in the best moments, hovering over me, letting me know that nothing will last and its there in the worst moments too. If I have a headache for a few days too long, I’m scared its a tumour. If there’s a pain in my chest, I’m scared its a blood clot. Im scared that I’m dying faster than the doctors can find a way to help me. The worst part is that it’s not just me. It’s Rachel, it’s my mom, it’s anyone who loves me. I know they feel all of what I’m feeling and its all my fault, I guess I can add guilt to the list also. Lately I’ve been feeling super tired, I don’t know if its the new baby or the cancer getting worse but I haven’t been sleeping well and when morning comes, I don’t feel ready for the day so rach gets up and takes Riley and Sadie downstairs by herself while I try to get some more sleep but if I hear Sadie or Riley crying, I just imagine how Rach is feeling and there’s no way I can stay in bed, its not fair, I shouldn’t be laying down, because rach is just as tired, overwhelmed, and scared as I am. We try to comfort each other as best we can  but there are days when it’s too much for both of us and we get snappy with each other and only by the end of the night when we’re in bed do we realize what we’ve done and apologize. It’s so fucking hard for both of us. I feel like my diagnosis has  condemned so many  people to a life of sadness and heartbreak. I get so overwhelmed thinking about leaving them all behind when I go and what that’s going to do to them. I caught myself thinking about Rachel giving my eulogy and the image of her standing there crying while trying to get through her speech absolutely broke my heart and thats just the tip of the iceberg. Sometimes I’ll imagine Riley and Sadie growing up and having to explain why they don’t have a dad, what kind of emotional trauma that will leave them with, how hard it will be for Rach to raise them without me. I try so hard to be everything all the time for Rachel, Riley, Mowgli and now Sadie but some days I feel like I’m at my limits and I want to break down and I know Rach wants to also but there’s no space for us to do that because we have kids to look after, kids that depend on us, we have each other to look after and even when we do get a moment to break down and feel it all, its just that, its only a moment and then its back to the work of putting it away until we find another moment. I know I’ve said before thats its good to feel these emotions for a moment and then keep moving forward but sometimes you want more than a moment, sometimes a moment just isn’t enough. My dad used to walk around our house saying“its just too fucking weird” Rach and I would get frustrated because we didn’t understand and he never had any other words to describe how he was feeling or what he was going through but now I understand. Now I understand that there are no other words to describe what’s happening. One day you’re healthy and care free, gonna live forever, and the next you’re being told you’re dying and to get your affairs in order. There are no words in the English language that can accurately describe the myriad of thoughts, emotions and feelings that run through your head every second of every day other than its just too fucking weird.  

A few days ago I started having some difficulty breathing, I chalked it up to stress and anxiety of having cancer and having a new baby. I figured it was just my body responding to the change but when the feeling didn’t go away, alarm bells go off, that fear rears its ugly head screaming that I’m dying and I figured I should probably get it checked out. So I went to emergency at Sunnybrook in hopes that they would find something and be able to explain why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling. If you’ve never been to the emergency room, I can tell you it is one of the most uninviting and cold places you’ll ever be.  Hours go by and you don’t see or talk to anyone, you sit there amidst a crowd of sick and hurting people and they give you a number and tell you to wait, terrible thoughts race through your head. They call your name and you jump up like you’ve won the lottery but they just want to take your blood and send you back to your seat to sit and wait some more. More hours pass by and you get taken to a smaller waiting room, you’re one step closer to something. Nurses race around and you hear the doctors being paged over the intercom. All the while you might as well be a fly on the wall because no one is paying attention to you. But then a familiar face comes into the room, he asks if you’re okay and if theres anything he can do for you a friend who works in the hospital and is busy with so many other things, saw my name on the board and stopped what he was doing to come see if I was okay. The smallest act of kindness goes a long way in a place like that, a warm smile or a comforting hand on the shoulder is all it takes to relieve some of that overwhelming anxiety. In that moment there was some relief knowing that a friend was close by, he had to go but said he would check in on my periodically and keep an eye on my case as it progressed. I know we don’t all have friends that work in hospitals but I am so grateful that I do. I spent the next few days in the hospital while they ran their tests which came up with nothing conclusive so they sent me home and told me to speak to my oncologist. on one hand I’m relieved that nothing showed up and on the other hand I’m frustrated because I still feel the same way as when I went In. So this post didn’t really go anywhere or have any purpose other than for me to explain that although most of my posts may make it seem like I’m dealing with this really well, the truth is, there are days when I’m consumed by fear, worry and anxiety. I try not to let it last more than a day or two and I try to be aware of when and why its happening but I’m only human and my emotions get the best of me sometimes. Thank you all for reading and for being there for me when I need it most.

6 thoughts on “Too Fucking Weird

  1. LL says:

    I somehow found this and am very touched by your words. It’s unimaginable. It’s insane. And you’re right, its fucking weird. I want you to know that no matter what u are doing, it’s the right thing. Don’t be guilty. Just live, live until you can’t. And when you can’t you will live in the energy all around your beautiful wife and children. It isn’t fair, but no one said life was. How blessed are you to have such beautiful blessings – a wife, 2 beautiful children, and a world of people praying for you – some people aren’t as lucky. Take care and I’m here praying as hard as I can.

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  2. reggaemarathonrunninguy says:

    Thank you for sharing! You may never appreciate how much your words meant to me. Just know that you made a BIG impact! So glad I got to meet you and Rachel!

    Like

  3. Sheila Engel Cohen says:

    Fucking weird describes your life right now for sure. But the good, the positive, the loving that is going both ways is the light that is shining bright, the cancer, the not knowing, the fear is working to dim that light. You are so very special and when things feel hopeless or useless remember the light you are shining.

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  4. Gordon Holtby says:

    Lorne, thank you for sharing. You, Rachel, Riley, and Sadie continue to be in our thoughts and prayers. It is hard to comprehend what you are all going through, but know that you are surrounded by love.

    Like

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